Total War: The Greatest fan fic you dont want to r
by gabriel ricard
Summary: I accidentily deleted this from the ff7 section so I'm reposting it. Nothing new here.Number four in the ff7 series! To the shock of Avalanche Rob Zombie once again returns from the dead seeking revenge on Alice Cooper and Courtney Love and he gets it in


A Final Fantasy 7 Fan Fic-#4

"Total War"

Written By Gabe Ricard

Here is another chapter in my FF7 Series for those of you who liked stories like VSFH and Total Boredom may not like this one too much as there is much less comedy in this particular fic. In a nutshell it's a giant battle royal and wont be much else. Enough of my incoherent babbling enjoy the fic and if you did like this read the others and review them too! Thank you once again, enjoy the fic and please review. 

"Gabe! Thank goodness you're here!" Gabe stopped as he walked into the 7th Heaven and was stopped by Aeris.

"Hey Aeris, hey everyone else, what's wrong?"

Before Aeris could explain Cid interrupted her "That damn freak Rob Zombie has been stalking around here looking for that other damn freak Alice Cooper."

"Rob Zombies alive?" asked Gabe remembering when Alice Cooper tore him apart at the Celebrity Deathmatch arena. Gabe sighed then noticed Marilyn Manson bass player Twiggy Rameriz sitting at the bar drinking inordinate amounts of Whiskey. "What the hell is he doing here?" asked Gabe as Twiggy sat slumped down in a barstool while Marlene handed him a new bottle of whiskey every 30 or so seconds.

"He's been here since about six a.m." replied Aeris "For a good eight seconds he wanted revenge on us until he saw Whiskey."

"$%&* Stumbled in on Shera and me behind the bar!" grumbled Cid

"What where you and Shera doing behind the bar at six a.m. anyway?" asked Gabe knowing well what the reason was anyway. Cid remained silent as Gabe turned to Aeris "Where's Yuffie, Cait, Cloud and Tifa?"

"Tifa won a day with Cloud after beating me." Replied Aeris bitterly. "Cait's at Gold Saucer and no one really gives a rats @$$ where Yuffie is."

Gabe nodded, "Hey Aeris I just noticed your looking a hell of a lot better."

Aeris smiled "Thanks Gabe…I think."

"How's Tifa?"

Aeris grinned evilly "Her nose was broken and she had to get a nose job."

"That's not so bad."

"Guess who was able to sneak into the operating room and perform the surgery?"

Gabe looked at Aeris in disbelief. "You…?!"

Aeris said nothing and turned around and sat down.. Gabe shook his head.

"She had it fixed." Explained Red XIII. "You where fortunate not to have been here during those couple of days."

Gabe was a little shocked that Aeris would try something like that but before he could respond the door flew open and Rob Zombie stormed in. He turned to Gabe and gave him a look that made him incredibly uneasy. "Where the #@$^ is that son of a %$^ Alice Cooper?" Vincent, due to his previous experience with Marilyn Manson chose not to ask another of his favorite singers for an autograph. 

" I have no idea where Alice Cooper is." stammered Gabe as Rob Zombie cornered him and continued to give Gabe one of the most evil looks he had ever seen.

"Why do you to kill him so bad?" asked Aeris who so far had been silent.

"Look at me!" replied Rob Zombie lifting his arms up. "Do you know how ##%&ing hard it is to rebuild yourself after being blown up?"

Before Aeris could reply an evil ominous laugh came into hearing that was very familiar to Rob Zombie followed by a voice that everyone recognized "Rob Zombie! step outside if you have the balls!" taunted the voice. 

"I'm going to kill you Alice Cooper you son of a #%$" snarled Rob Zombie storming out the door with Gabe in tow.

Rob and Gabe stopped as they stood a small distance from the bar and on the roof of the building in front of them stood Alice Cooper along with Courtney Love and her ever present bottle of cheap liquor.

"At least you came alone Cooper!" growled Rob Zombie ready to fight.

Alice Cooper said nothing and jumped to the ground with Courtney. Silence filled the air as the two had a stare down. "Well, come on Zombie take your best shot!" Rob Zombie quickly walked up to Alice Cooper ready to strike the first punch but stopped as he looked around and realized both he and Gabe where surrounded by N Sync, The Backstreet Boys, The Spice Girls and the other members of Hole. "Welcome to your nightmare Zombie. I've created some of the most evil bands in the world to help me in wiping out you and those Avalanche $%^#es!" With that everyone except Cooper and Love attacked.

Gabe pulled out a crowbar and clotheslined Scary Spice then wound back and hit one of the N Sync band members in the stomach. As he turned around he got nailed into the wall from a collective effort from Hole and proceeded to get the crap stomped out of him by Hole as well as N Sync. Rob Zomie threw one of The Backstreet Boys forty feet into the ground and tried to get at Alice Cooper but was attacked by the other members of the band in addition to the Spice Girls.

"Holy #$^&" exclaimed Barret. We gotta help them!"

Vincent slapped the back of his head "Thank you Captain Odvi-" he stopped as he realized it wasn't Yuffie "Sorry…force of habit." Barret said nothing and only glared and charged into the fray along with the other members of Avalanche. Vincent blasted Sporty Spices head off then stood his ground and shot at anything else that moved as did Barrett who left about 20,000 bullets in the body of one of the members of Hole. Aeris cast Fury Brand then blasted Baby Spice into a oblivion with a Bolt3 spell. Red XIII tore another member of Hole in two with Blood Fang and proceeded to maul anything he saw that wasn't a member of Avalanche, Gabe or Rob Zombie.

"If you thought that was all I had your dead wrong!" cackled Alice Cooper. "There's much more!" With that Hanson and Aerosmith appeared and jumped into the battle immediately shifting the advantage back to Alice Cooper. 

'I'm going to take out Aerosmith personally!" yelled Cid jumping over one of the Hanson sisters and completely destroying Stephen Tyler with a Dragon Dive but getting ganged up on by the other members of Aerosmith.

"We're #$^&ed!" cried Gabe kicking a member of Hanson into the wall and turning around and barely fighting off the other two Hanson sisters. As Gabe said this out of nowhere came ICP and Cactus Jack who was armed with a barbwire baseball bat which he used to kill the last member of Hole with. ICP pulled out axes and dismember the other two members of Hanson and slicing off one of the Backstreet Boys left leg. They then went after N Sync which allowed Rob Zombie to finally get to Alice Cooper. Rob rammed Coopers head into a wall then attempted to rush him. Alice however kicked Rob Zombie back then pulled an evil looking guitar seemingly out of thin air and shattered it over Rob Zombies head.

"Prepare to die you weak @$$ wanna be!" As Alice Cooper screamed these words, Stone Cold Steve Austin came behind him, knocked Courtney Love into the battle then slammed back half of a beer, and cracked it over Alice Coopers face. As Alice Turned around Rob Zombie kicked him in the throat then had a rusty hatchet thrown to him by ICP which he drove into Coopers shoulder then stood back as Steve Austin gave him a stunner and charged into the battle.

"@!%^! How many ^&*%ing guys does Alice Cooper have?!" wondered Gabe as Garth Brooks, Shania Twain, and Cher attacked Gabe, Aeris and Red XIII.

"You %$& you'll pay for that!" snarled Alice Cooper pulling out the bizarre night stick like weapon he had used in Deathmatch and getting ready to blast Alice Cooper into oblivion when Cactus Jack attacked him hitting him in the head with the bat. As he wound back to hit him again, Alice Cooper blasted him into a building igniting it in flames. Rob Zombie sent Alice Cooper reeling with a simple punch in the nose and began to punch the hell out of Cooper.

"I thought I already killed these gay %&%es." Thought Barret as he sent a Backstreet Boy into orbit with a Hammerblow only to turn around and get attacked by the surviving members. 

"I think things are starting to go our way." Said Gabe to Vincent as Gabe worked together to kill Posh Spice. Before Vincent could reply Aqua appeared and went after Gabe and Vincent. Vincent was able to turn into Chaos and kill all but two members. 

Alice Cooper blocked a punch from Rob Zombie and kicked him in the stomach then tried to blast him with his night stick but Zombie ducked and speared Alice Cooper into a wall. Alice kicked Rob Zombie back, kicked him several times in the head then uppercut him until Rob Zombie was on one knee, trying regain his senses. Alice Cooper aimed the nightstick at Rob Zombies head and grinned "This is the end!"

"I don't think so you $#^%ing dinosaur!" Alice Cooper whirled around to meet a kick in the chest as before him stood the other members of Marilyn Manson's band John 5, Ginger Fish, and Madonna Wayne Gacy as well as Rose McGowan. 

"Time to make your sorry @$$ pay for what you did to Manson!" spat John 5, winding back and punching Alice in the face as the 3 band members helped Rob Zombie beat the hell out of Alice Cooper. Rose McGowan attacked Shania Twain punching her in the face several times before grabbing her head and, twisting it off. She then saw an ax on the ground and picked it up. She saw a target, wound back, and drove it into the back of the female singer from Aqua. Alice Cooper dragged himself up and used his nightstick to blow Ginger Fish into a million pieces. Then as Madonna Wayne Gacy went to knock it out of Alice's hand, Alice clutched him by the throat. Alice's hand turned red and Gacy burst into flames. Alice threw him into John 5 then blasted Rob Zombie into a building. 

Still more help arrived for Alice Cooper as Jake Roberts and every member from all of Alice Coopers bands seemingly dropped into battle. Gabe ducked an oncoming attack with a guitar by Garth Brooks and using the mastered ice Materia he grabbed before coming out here, blasted Garth Brooks until he was frozen inside out and kicked him shattering him into a million pieces of ice which quickly melted. Cid impaled Jake Roberts on his spear and threw him into the two surviving Hanson sisters which distracted them long enough for Barret to take them out with a Big Shot. Cid walked over to Barret and grinned "Couldn't handle a couple of girls huh? No big surprise I mean I doubt you can even handle one girl" 

Barret glared, "Shut up Cid."

Aeris aftering fighting off a number of attackers changed the course of the battle drastically by casting Great Gospel. With everyone temporarily invincible Avalanche and the others where able to finish off the surviving members of Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys and N Sync and everyone else from Alice's army until, only Alice Cooper remained. Vincent, still in Chaos form swoop down to attack Alice Cooper but Cooper grabbed John 5 and threw him into Vincent. Alice turned his attention back to Rob Zombie but as he did Rose McGowan broke a beer bottle over his head and Rob Zombie wound back and uppercut Alice Cooper, nearly knocking him out of his boots. Alice knocked Rose back and before Rose could attack Courtney Love clotheslined her and began choking her. Alice Cooper sent Cid, Barret and Aeris scattering with a huge blast from his nightstick only to get shot in the leg by Shaggy 2 Dope and get blasted with a board with a nail in by Violent J. Alice Cooper was able to jump over Cids Venus Gospel then pull the board out and blast Gabe in the head with it. He looked over everyone and smirked "You think you've won? It's not over yet. Prepare to face an evil that has not been surfaced in over sixty years, ALL THE MIDGETS FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Everyone, even Rob Zombie gasped in horror as the ground began violently shaking and several areas of ground gave way and hundreds o Midgets dressed as the munchkins slowly emereged from the ground and overtook Rob Zombie and the others.

"There's too $$#%ing many there's no ^%$$ing way we can beat all these @!#$ing midget bastards!" cried Gabe throwing two midgets off his back only to have a dozen more pile on top of him.

"Well said." Replied Barret blasting two away and upper cutting three more. As he turned around a few dozen jumped him. 

The only part of the battlefield that wasn't over ran by dead midgets was the spot where Alice Cooper beat the hell out of Rob Zombie. "This time when I kill you I'll make sure your dead ass STAYS dead!" taunted Alice Cooper kicking Rob in the chest as he tried to get to his feet. Soon all that remained where Rob, Steve Austin, Zombie, Gabe, Aeris, John 5, and Cid. Barret and Red XIII where unconscious as was Vincent who had reverted from Chaos and back into Vincent.

Gabe punted a midget into another midget and jumped over a heard of them. "I really, really, really wish Cloud and the others wher-holy #%$!!" No sooner then Gabe said this then he saw Cloud jump into the midgets and take out nearly 30 of them with Finishing Touch then take out two more with Ominislahes. Gabe then saw Tifa beat the living hell out of four midgets in the blink of an eye next to her was Cait Sith who smashed three midgets into the ground. Aeris was finally able to cast Pulse of Life allowing Vincent, Barret, and Red XIII to recover and cut the midgets down drastically.

"$#^& I didn't think I'd need to be THIS desperate. With that Alice Cooper pressed a button and every Power Ranger that ever existed appeared along with Sephiroth. The Power Rangers, to Alice Coopers surprise where able to swing the advantage back to Alice Cooper. With Courtney Love at his side Alice Cooper was still punching the hell out of Rob Zombie who blasted a fire ball into Courtney Loves face then head but Alice Cooper several dozen times then kicked him in the nuts. Rob Zombie raised his arm and just before it came down upon Alice he felt something blast him in the back and turned around to see two Power Rangers blasting him. He charged at them and got kicked in the gut by one and as he lifted his head got floored with another kick from the second. Alice Cooper cackled and raised to his feet and raised his left arm which caused Rob Zombie to lift into the air.

"This time I'm going to win puppet!" cried Sephiroth charging at Cloud with his mansuame raised high. Cloud ducked under and sliced Sephiroth in half. Before Cloud could celebrate yet another victory over Sephiroth, four Power Rangers leaped onto him.

"@#%^ This I'm going to end now!" yelled Gabe as he got up after getting pummeled by a Power Ranger. After a moment, an 18-wheeler appeared out of nowhere, running over a couple of Power Rangers before stopping in the middle of the battle. Everyone including Alice Cooper stopped fighting as Kid Rock, Joe C and Twisted Brown Trucker Band slowly got out of the car armed with guns. Kid Rock took off his glasses and grinned before raising his arm into the air and bringing it down, which was a signal for everyone to open fire.

Five minutes later, all the Power Rangers where dead and only Alice Cooper and Courtney Love remained. Alice knew the battle was lost but before he could react Rob Zombie pulled out a chain saw and sawed his left arm off. Alice held his bloody arm stem and glared. "This isn't over yet #%$^tards I'll be back!" Before everyone could shut him up Alice Cooper and Courtney Love disappeared. Everyone was silent for a moment before walking over to Kid Rock and high fivivng him. 

"Thanks Rock" 

"Sure thing man. We gotta go." With that Kid Rock and the others got into the 18-wheeler and drove off. Rob Zombie wiped some blood away from his lip and walked over to Gabe

"I'm going to get out of here too, find that $$^* Alice Cooper and his %^* Courtney Love and finish them off."

Gabe nodded "All right Mr. Zombie take care."

Rob Zombie said nothing and walked a little ways away from everyone before disapeering in a flash of fire. Steve Austin who had been sitting down drinking a beer got up and sighed. "I'm leaving too. Where's Cactus?"

Gabe pointed over to the burning building where Cactus had been thrown into and shook his head sadly. Before Austin could respond out of the burning building emerged Cactus Jack. "Hey guys!" he waved.

Gabe looked at Cactus Jack in disbelief then, noticed his back was on fire. "Cactus…um…your back." 

"Ow!' exclaimed Cactus Jack putting the fire on his back out "That never feels very good!" he laughed and staggered over to Steve Austin. "Come on Stone Cold lets go." Austin said nothing and just smiled and shook his head and walked up with Cactus Jack behind him.

Avalanche as well as Gabe Ricard walked into 7th Heaven where they where met by Shera and Marlene. "Shera and I are heading back to Rocket Town, anyone coming?" when no reply came Cid and Shera left. 

Gabe put an ice pack on his head and fell down onto the couch. "Why is the upstairs area of the bar a lot bigger."

Tifa nodded "I had some renovations done on the bar." She walked up to Cloud and hugged him. Cloud was silent for a moment before pushing Tifa away. "What?" said Tifa confused.

Cloud sighed "Tifa, I told you already today I went along with this date thing because I wanted to tell you what I've already told you. I love Aeris."

Tifa was deathly silent. Aeris turned to Cloud "Come on Cloud, we're going to moms for dinner." Cloud nodded and walked out with Aeris. 

The bar was silent as Gabe walked up to Tifa and put an arm on her shoulder. "I'm sorry Tifa, if there's anything we can do."

Tifa shrugged "You think it's over? HA! Its not over by a long shot Aeris has him now but mark my words I will get him!" with that Tifa walked over to the bar to clean glasses. 

Cait Sith turned to Barett and shrugged "Well at least she's not on a killing spree of some sort." 

Gabe said nothing and sat down at the table. "At least this gives me a shot at Tifa" he thought leaning back and putting the ice pack on his face.

At that moment Yuffie burst though the door. "Hey everyone! Did I miss anything?" Nobody said a word in reply. "Hey it looks like a war zone out there!" 

Vincent got up and snuk up behind Yuffie and slapped her in the back of her head. "Thank you Captain Obvious."

Yuffies eyes widened as she spun around and slapped the taste out of Vincent's mouth. "Stop saying that! Just for that, you have to take me to the movies!"

Vincent shrugged, "Sure."

"I'm coming too!" said Cait Sith bounding out the door.

"Grand." Murmured Vincent walking out the door behind Yuffie.

"Poor Vincent." Said Red XIII.

Gabe nodded in agreement. "I'm going to order a pizza who wants some?"

End

God this fan fic sucked ass didn't it? It was bad when I wrote it two years ago and its much worse now. I typed this contender to Plan Nine up only because it was relevant to my FF7 Series and hope to god future rewrites aren't as bad as this one. For those of you who didn't leave to prepare the bomb your going to mail me thanks for bearing through this fic. Also as of the next story I will be doing away with censoring swear words like this ^&*(and just put the actual word. 


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